Finding Your Own Path Through Grief
No two people experience loss in quite the same way, but there are simple strategies that can help us all to heal.
2022-01-17
There’s no “normal” way to greet the pain we experience when we lose a loved one - or endure the grief of a divorce, a job loss or any unwelcome life change.
In my last article, I introduced you to the work of the psychotherapist and bereavement expert Julia Samuel. Her core message is that the way to tackle and overcome our grief is to welcome it in. Trying to hide from the pain - or avoid it - will only cause us to suffer more.
But Julia says there is no single or “correct” path through grief – grieving is both chaotic and unique to each one of us. We often hear about the “stages of grief” - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - and wrongly assume that we will move through these stages step by step, with the fifth and final step signalling total recovery from our emotional turmoil.
“People think if they're not doing bargaining after denial that somehow they've got it the wrong way,” says Julia. “Of course, we can feel all of those things in a day. You can have moments of acceptance, you can have moments of fury, you can have moments of denial, all within half an hour.”
So there’s no one route through the hurt. But after decades of counselling grieving people, Julia has found a number of strategies that can help. She’s called these her eight “pillars of strength”.
Creating a relationship with the dead. The love we have for a person doesn’t die with them. It can - and should - continue to be a positive presence in our lives. Julia says it’s helpful to find ways to maintain links someone we’ve lost – perhaps by wearing their ring or watch, or visiting a place you associate with them, or by planting a tree or dedicating a bench in their honor.
Be a friend to yourself. As with many emotionally-charged moments in our lives, the experience of grief can prompt us to be incredibly self-critical. We can get upset with ourselves for crying too much, or not being able to return to work right away. Julia points to the self-compassion advice of Kristin Neff, saying you should “love yourself as if you were a friend” - and a good friend would never get mad at you for grieving.
Express and explore your emotions. Julia stresses the chaos of the feelings that make up grief. And each of these emotions is trying to tell us something different. We may feel anger, fear and sorrow – but by sitting with these emotions we can better understand our grief. For example, you may feel anger that a life partner has died; may fear the financial implications of the death; and may be deeply sad about not having that person around. Letting each of these feelings speak will help in unpicking the complexities of grief.
Give yourself time. Bereavement by its very nature is going to be a strain which consumes our emotional and mental energies. Don’t rush (or be rushed) into decisions. And don’t be tempted to create a timescale to return to “normalcy.” It’s also a good idea not to benchmark your grief against others. Remember this isn’t a test or competition.
Know your limits. Going through grief effectively means there are things you may not want to or be able to do. And that’s ok. Julia says it can be as simple as dreading a visit to the store for groceries, or accepting a friend’s invitation to see a movie. Go easy on yourself and do what you can when you are ready.
Take Care of Your Body. As I say time and again, moving your body is great for your wellbeing. At a time of emotional turmoil this is truer than ever. We can also regulate how our body feels with our breath. A time of loss is a great time to return to a breath-based meditation practice so you can at least one way to get back into the present moment.
Adopt some structure and good habits. Another perennial happiness hack is to create good habits – beneficial behaviors that you can repeat in ways that give you structure. That can be daily exercise, but Julia also says it can be building into your diary a regular time allocated to thinking about your dead loved one, or tending the tree you planted for them, or looking through a photo album. Julia says these structured reflections can help us process our loss – and make the times that grief creeps up on us randomly (when a meaningful song comes on the radio, for example) easier to bear.
Focus and be mindful. Living in the moment is a key part of living a happier life. Grief, by its very nature, encourages us to think fondly of the past – before we lost our parent, friend or lover. And given the pain of grief, it’s also tempting to try not face it in the moment – to do other things or think other thoughts or blot them out with drink or drugs. But Julia says when we allow ourselves to sit with grief we then “have the courage to endure it”.
I appreciate that these last two articles have been heavier than my usual newsletters. Death isn’t something anyone likes to discuss – but during my conversations with Julia Samuel, what came across was an important happiness lesson. Accepting that all the things we love and value are fleeting is an important step to savoring them and being grateful for them right now.
Hopefully no one reading this will face a bereavement in the near future, but we should all – this very second – start to treat the people around us with the love, care and compassion that comes with knowing that none of us will be around forever.
Stay well,
Laurie
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