Harnessing People Around us to Feel Happier (Live with Ethan Kross)

If you’re a fan of the show, you know that our happiness is deeply connected to the people around us. In fact, other people’s emotions are contagious—both positive and negative. You might notice this when you walk into a room and instantly absorb the tension of your colleagues, or when a friend's excitement lifts your spirits. Social interactions powerfully shape our emotions, often without us realizing it.

The good news is that there are strategies we can use to harness the people around us to feel happier. In this week’s episode of The Happiness Lab (recorded before a live audience of teen students at Choate Rosemary Hall), psychologist Ethan Kross and I explored evidence-based strategies for how we can build more positive social connections into our day. In this newsletter, we're focusing specifically on making social comparisons work for rather than against us. For all our tips and the complete conversation, be sure to listen to the full episode, "Harnessing People Around us to Feel Happier (Live with Ethan Kross)"!

Here's the companion guide for the episode.

Flipping the Script on Social Comparison

1: Embrace social comparison. We're often told "don't compare yourself to others," but as Ethan points out, this advice is nearly impossible to follow. Instead of fighting this natural tendency, we can accept that it’s unavoidable and make our comparisons more constructive by steering our comparisons so they don’t negatively affect us.

2: Reframe comparison as inspiration. If you find yourself feeling envious, try viewing the coveted achievement or subject of envy as a source of inspiration rather than a reason to feel inadequate.

3: Find the "bronze lining." Sometimes we compare ourselves upward and feel disappointed, like silver medalists who think "I just missed gold." Instead, try looking downward with gratitude, like bronze medalists who think "At least I made the podium!" Shifting our reference point through counterfactual thinking can transform social comparison into gratitude. By consciously considering "how things could have been worse" rather than fixating on "what could have been better," you can reframe your perspective and boost your happiness.

And remember, these strategies aren't about perfection — they're about progress. Each time we catch ourselves in an unhelpful comparison spiral and redirect our thinking, we're building a habit to improve our happiness.