How the Surgeon General Put His Own Wellbeing on Hold and Felt Lonely

Dr Vivek Murthy wants us all to think about the toll loneliness takes on society... so shares his own story of feeling alone.

“We have to pull the curtain back on loneliness.”

That was the call to action from two-time US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy at the end of my introductory article on the worrying effects of feeling alone. 

Leading by example, Vivek talks very candidly and very movingly about his own experience of loneliness during different chapters in his life. 

Loneliness can be something that plagues us constantly or can be linked to big life changes – moving to a new job or town; losing a partner; or an illness that changes our daily routine. 

Vivek traces his feelings of loneliness back to his earliest school days.

“As a young child, experiencing loneliness had to very much to do with shyness. I was actually not deeply introverted. I wanted to spend time with other people. I enjoyed it when I did, but I was really shy and I had a hard time making friends when I was in elementary school.

“Going to school each day was stressful. I was always worried about the cafeteria at lunchtime and sitting alone. I was worried about what would happen on the playground when people were choosing teams and was worried that I might be chosen last, even though I had good athletic ability. I just didn't have a lot of close friendships.”

Vivek was very close to his parents and sister – but he felt he couldn’t share the upset he felt about being lonely.

“I was embarrassed. I didn't want it to seem like I was somehow deficient in some way or unable to interact with people. But I also didn't want them to feel bad. I didn't want them to think that somehow this was their fault.”

In adulthood Vivek endured further periods of loneliness. And he credits this with giving him greater insights into the problem when he was first appointed to serve under President Obama. 

“Because I experienced so much loneliness, I felt like I saw loneliness more clearly when I encountered it across America as Surgeon General.” 

Ironically, his determination to tackle this complex issue caused him to neglect his own social connections. 

“I put my work far above my relationships and I had done so because I had convinced myself as Surgeon General I had a limited amount of time in office. I wanted to make sure that I was doing everything I could to maximize the impact that we could have on public health and the country's wellbeing.”

Vivek says many of us make this choice – “martyring” ourselves and sacrificing the social interactions that are so important to maintain our happiness levels. 

“We can get caught up in that narrative that we're doing something for a cause greater than ourselves and using that as justification for letting our relationships slide.

“I had become distanced from good friends that I had strong relationships for years. Even the time I was spending with my family was not nearly as high quality as it should have been. I was often distracted by emails and phone calls, even during family dinners and outings.” 

When Vivek left office after his first term, the repercussions of these choices finally dawned on him and he was left “to pick up the pieces”.

“I had made a lot of sacrifices... many of which I was proud of and stand by… some of which were perhaps not the best sacrifices to make. And my relationships were on that list. The cost of that was greater than I could have imagined.”

Some of you might wonder how a busy government leader with a wife and children can feel lonely – but as Vivek points out, sometimes being alone is about the quality of your relationships, not the sheer number of interactions. 

“Putting ourselves in the middle of a crowd or showing up at a party are not necessarily always the solution to loneliness,” he says.

“As one of my dear friends said: ‘Vivek, your problem is not that you don't have friends. Your problem is you're not experiencing friendship.'

“And I think this is actually true for a lot of people who have good friends from earlier periods in their life, but for a number of reasons, they're just not experiencing the joy and the benefits of those friendships. And so they remain alone and isolated.”

Next time we’ll look at what Vivek did to regain the enjoyment of friendship, family and community - and hear his useful tips to ward off loneliness in our lives too. 

Until then, stay well and stay happy,

Laurie

(ps. You can also read more about Vivek’s experiences in his super-helpful book Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World) 

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