What Sort of Lonely Are You? And What Can You do About it?

There's no simple fix to loneliness - but once you work out which interactions you are missing out on... then it's a matter of a little time and effort.

Loneliness is much more common than we think. It surely exists in your neighborhood, in your friend group - maybe even in your own home, says the US Surgeon General. 

“Whether I was talking to a member of Congress or somebody in a small fishing village in Alaska, or a mom and dad in a small town in the Midwest," says Dr Vivek Murthy. "Loneliness seemed to be a human experience that was universally understood or experienced at least to some degree.”

And even though loneliness is such a common experience, we don’t seem comfortable talking about it… nor discussing the steps we can take to feel better. 

But we really should be taking whatever measures we can to tackle loneliness, because it’s a serious psychological issue. 

“If you look at the data, it appears that loneliness is strongly associated with an increased risk of heart disease and dementia and depression and anxiety. It diminishes the quality of your sleep,” says Vivek.

“In a large meta-analysis put together by Julianne Holt-Lunstad from Brigham Young University with her colleagues, they found that loneliness was also associated with a shorter life span.”

(NB. Julianne’s work suggested “people with strong social bonds are 50 percent less likely to die over a given period of time than those who have fewer social connections”.)

Like with any major health challenge, governments, employers and other institutions need to act to reduce loneliness. But there are things we can do as individuals. 

“The idea of just plunking yourself in a room of people is not the solution to loneliness,” says Vivek. “We have to understand more deeply what's happening with our own perception of ourselves.

“The most important thing that we can often do to connect better with other people is to strengthen our connection with ourselves.”

EXAMINING 

It’s tough to admit we’re lonely. As Vivek confessed in a previous article, he too was initially unwilling to mention his feelings to his loved ones: “I was embarrassed. I didn't want it to seem like I was somehow deficient in some way”.

But beyond just acknowledging that we’re feeling lonely, we also need to pay attention to the specific sort of loneliness we’re experiencing.

“It turns out that there are three types of loneliness that have been described,” Vivek explains. 

• Intimate Loneliness: which is a feeling that you lack a close confidant, somebody who you can deeply trust. A spouse, a lover or a very, very good friend. 

• Relational Loneliness: which is the absence of friendships with individuals or with a group of people. These are the people we might see at weekends or evenings, go on vacations with, or just call up on the phone.

• Collective Loneliness: when we don't feel like we belong to a community. We might not have a crew to bond with over shared interests, or a neighborhood association or a work team to connect with. 

By exploring which feelings of loneliness we’re dealing with, we can better understand how to fix the gaps in our social interactions. Remember, you can have the greatest partner in the world, the best squad, or the most caring colleagues and still feel lonely. 

“We need all three of these [types of interactions] to feel deeply connected in the most comprehensive way,” says Vivek. 

REFRAMING

Fans of my podcast, The Happiness Lab, will know that our minds often work against us, pushing us in totally the wrong direction. Sadly, the mind also works like that when it comes to loneliness. 

“What loneliness does is start to convince us that the real reason we're lonely is because we're not likeable, because something's wrong with us,” says Vivek. “We can actually retreat further into our shell at exactly the moment where we need to reach out and engage with others.”

It's vital to challenge such thoughts when they arise – but Vivek recognizes how hard that is. 

“You start to believe these narratives, even though you know they're rationally not true. I had to grapple with a lot of that,” he says. “I knew that I needed to be able to find comfort with myself and to be [self] compassionate.”

REFERENCE POINTS

We often judge our loneliness relative to how we think other people are feeling. And all too often it appearsto us that everyone else is having a great time with their partners, friends and peers. In comparison, we are lacking. 

“If you look at the dominant culture, at social media and traditional media, they’re telling all of us we're not popular enough,” says Vivek. “Over time, people internalize these messages. They start to believe that maybe they're not enough and we have a harder time believing that we have value to bring to others.” 

And that means we need to stop comparing ourselves to others. An Instagram post of a beach party, romantic dinner or nightclub doesn’t prove the person posting isn’t feeling lonely inside. 

IMPROVE THE INTERACTIONS YOU ALREADY HAVE

Vivek experienced loneliness in his first term as Surgeon General, despite having a great family, good friends and a team of colleagues. He just wasn’t giving these interactions the attention they deserved.

“If we looked at the time that we spend right now with people, we could ask ourselves, how do we improve the quality of that? And what are the best ways to do that is to reduce the amount of distraction that we have when we're interacting with other people.

“I’ve been guilty of catching up with a friend on the phone while I'm also flipping through my social media feed or looking at my inbox or watching the news on TV. And none of these sound like potentially harmful things. Except when you realize that as human beings, we cannot multitask.”

PRIORITIZE FORGING NEW CONNECTIONS

There’s no quick fix to loneliness – but once you work out whether you most lack intimate, relational or community interactions, you can try to start addressing those gaps. 

(NB. I often hear from “introverts” who say they don’t like striking up conversations with new people – but the research suggests that while many of us do dread social situations, we all report greater happiness after interacting with other people.) 

There’s sadly no one-size-fits-all way to forge intimate relationships, close friendships or camaraderie with co-workers. But Vivek has some overall advice. 

“If we want to build those relationships, it's about putting some time into it. Even a small amount of time. It's about focusing on the quality of time that we have with others. And frankly, it's about giving people the benefit of the doubt.”

So stay well, stay happy and make time for connections,

Laurie