Date Like a Scientist
In this week's episode, I sat down with the behavioral scientist turned dating coach, Logan Ury, to explore how we can use the science of decision-making to find more meaningful romantic connections. Logan shares some fascinating insights about why modern dating feels so challenging and how we can do it better. Here are five evidence-based tips from the episode, “Date Like a Scientist”:
Five Science-Backed Tips for Happier Dating
Tip #1: Get together in real life. Research from Hinge shows something fascinating: the sweet spot for moving from app to date is just three days. Why? The longer we text, the more likely we are to fall prey to what Logan calls the "Monet Effect" — filling in gaps about someone with overly positive assumptions that lead to disappointment.
Tip #2: Focus on the experience, not the evaluation. Instead of treating dates like job interviews, pay attention to how you feel in the person's presence. Logan suggests using her "Post-Date Eight" questions to assess things like: What side of me did they bring out? How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between? Did I feel more energized than I did before the date? Is there something about them I’m curious about? Did they make me laugh? Did I feel heard? Did I feel attractive in their presence? Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?
Tip #3: Date like a scientist: As a scientist, you are willing to be proven wrong or right. Be willing to test your hypotheses about your "type." The research shows we're often wrong about what will make us happy in the long run, so it’s helpful to question our assumption that “I know what I want but I just need to find them.”
Tip #4: Add more play. Novel, playful experiences help create connection. Try activities that let you be silly and vulnerable together. When we let our guard down and embrace imperfect moments - like laughing while stumbling on ice skates or getting messy eating dumplings — we create memorable shared experiences that help potential partners see our authentic selves. It's counterintuitive, but research shows that showing our vulnerable, less polished side often makes us more appealing than trying to appear perfect.
Tip #5: Distinguish deal-breakers from "permissible pet peeves." Real deal-breakers affect core values and life goals. But things like someone's laugh, height, or choice of shirt? Those are just pet peeves that might be keeping you from an otherwise great match — so be willing to throw out that checklist of qualities you think you want in a partner.
Finally, successful relationships aren't about finding a perfect person, but about building a genuine connection with someone who brings out the best in us. By letting go of our unrealistic expectations and focusing on what truly matters, we can all date a little more happily.