How to Learn from a Rom-Com Movie
With Valentine's Day just around the corner, many of you have asked for more science-backed relationship advice. That’s why I'm so excited to share insights from my recent conversation with the social psychologists, Dr. Paul Eastwick and Dr. Eli Finkel. They've been analyzing our favorite rom-coms through the lens of relationship science on their podcast, “Love Factually”— and their findings are both fascinating and entertaining! As a rom-com skeptic, I was surprised to learn that there’s lots of things that romantic dramas and rom-coms get right when it comes to the science.
Three Tips to Improve Your Relationships: What Rom-Coms Get Right About Love
Tip #1: Self-disclosure and vulnerability builds intimacy. Research shows that sharing personal information — even with someone we've just met — can create real connection and intimacy. To build connection, consider asking some of psychologist Arthur Aaron’s famous 36 questions, which range from talking about your “perfect day” to sharing an embarrassing moment in your life. This process of being vulnerable works for building new relationships and fostering existing ones too!
Tip #2: Don’t fear the friend zone. The movie "When Harry Met Sally” shows that what starts as a friendship can turn into love – and the science suggests this isn't just Hollywood magic. Research by Danu Stinson at the University of Victoria finds that almost 70% of romantic relationships begin as friendships. So remember, don't fear the "friend zone" — it's actually one of the most common pathways to lasting love.
Tip #3: Every love story writes its own rules. Relationship success isn't about following a perfect strategy or matching on paper. Instead couples create the own unique "microculture" as they build their connection. The movie, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” (with Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet), teaches us that relationships can’t be created by copying and pasting a script of the right moves. There is no “right” way to build connections.
For more fascinating insights from our rom-com deep dive, listen to the full episode of "How to Learn from a Rom-Com Movie." Plus, you’ll also learn why some of our favorite movie messages (including one from the cult classic, Clueless!) might not be as helpful as we thought. And if you liked this episode, check out Paul and Eli’s podcast, "Love Factually."
And remember, while rom-coms can be a fun escape, happy, healthy relationships often look quite different from what we see on screen. The good news is that meaningful relationships are possible for all of us, not just the Hollywood-perfect!
Wishing you all the best in your relationships—romantic and otherwise.
Stay happy and stay well,
Dr. Laurie Santos