Hack Your Emotions
Humans have always looked for ways to manage difficult emotions. And while scientists have learned a lot since ancient times about what really works, many of us were never taught these strategies. That's why I'm excited to share insights from this week's guest, the psychologist Ethan Kross. Ethan has a new book called Shift: Managing Your Emotions—So They Don't Manage You. He’s an expert on science-backed ways we can better manage our emotions.
Here's Ethan’s guide to shifting your emotions when they feel overwhelming:
5 Science-Backed Ways to Shift Your Emotions
Use Your Senses Strategically Our senses are powerful emotion-shifters that we often overlook. Instead of using outside sensory experiences to reinforce your current mood (like playing sad songs when you're down), try using your senses to move in a healthier direction. Consider creating an "emotions playlist" with your favorite feel good music tracks when you’re feeling down. You can also make a list of sensory shifting experiences that you can do proactively - from sipping a warm drink to feeling a soft blanket to smelling your favorite candle.
Direct Your Attention Wisely While we often hear that we need to "work through" our emotions, research shows that healthy distraction can be valuable. The key is being flexible - sometimes we need to process our feelings, other times we need a break. If you choose to distract yourself, pick engaging activities that demand your focus— like going for a run or my favorite… solving the Wordle. Then check if the emotion returns later - if it doesn't, your psychological immune system might have done its job!
Gain Some Perspective Try talking to yourself using the third person— such saying your name— instead of referring to yourself in the first person (e.g., “I” or “me”). Research shows this simple perspective shift helps you think more objectively. When you view your problems as a stranger might see them, it’s easier to silence your inner drill sergeant and imagine what a kind mentor or coach might say instead. You can also imagine how you'll feel about the situation next week or next year. These perspective shifts help us remember that even intense emotions usually fade with time.
Get Some Physical Distance Our environments powerfully affect our emotions. Create spaces that help you feel better by adding positive elements (like photos of loved ones or plants) and removing triggers that bring you down. Sometimes even small changes to our surroundings can shift our emotional state, but it’s just as worthwhile to take the time to get away from the location that’s upsetting you entirely - like if you need to leave the office to take a break from an upsetting coworker.
Connect Strategically Emotions are contagious - both positive and negative ones. Be intentional about who you spend time with when you're trying to shift your emotional state. And remember that helping others can often help us feel better too.
The research shows that these strategies work best when we practice them before we really need them. There's no one-size-fits-all approach. The key is finding which combination of these shifters works best for you.
Finally, a meta-tip: remember that your emotions are functional. If you’re feeling lonely, angry, or sad — that’s a signal for you to take action. Like a dashboard light on your car, your emotions are valuable indicators that something in your life might need attention or adjustment. You might need to pull over and take a break, but once you’ve figured out what your big feeling is there to teach you, the big feeling has done its job. Then it’s time for that feeling to move on.
Want to learn more about the science of managing emotions? Listen to my full conversation with Ethan here.
With gratitude,
Dr. Laurie Santos
P.S. If you found these strategies helpful, check out these related episodes on emotional well-being:
Q: “How Do I Stop Negative Self-talk?”: It can speak to us in the middle of a work project, the middle of a date, or the middle of the night. The critical voice in our head telling us we’re just not good enough and we’re headed for failure. Listener Patricia Branigan wrote in to ask what we can do the quiet down this chatter. “Chatter” expert Ethan Kross returns to help Patricia fight her negative self talk.
How to Identify Your Negative Emotions: We need to pay attention to our negative feelings – since they are telling us important things which we should address if we are to be happier. But often we just can’t tell different emotions apart or have the proper words to describe what we are feeling. Author Brené Brown joins Dr. Laurie Santos to explain how we can more fully explore distinct feelings such as envy and jealousy – so we can tell them apart and work out how to change our lives so we feel them less frequently and less painfully.
How to be Angry Better: Anger is a powerful signal that you or someone you value is in danger. But in our normal lives the sensations of rage we experience are false alarms - we aren't in real peril and we don't need to resort to extreme survival behaviors, such as violence. Therapist Faith Harper (author of Unfck Your Anger)* explains why our bodies evolved this anger response, and how we can ride out the initial wave of rage and reduce the negative effects of anger on us and our relationships. She also shows that anger has its place in pushing us to find constructive ways to challenge bad things in the world around us.